Broken Heart

(written on Thursday July 18th)

Today I have a broken heart. Today I was planning on "officially" announcing my 4th pregnancy. I was going to do that today after I had confirmation of a healthy baby through ultrasound. Before I left my kids at my friends house to go to my appointment, I told the girls that I would bring them home pictures of the baby. After all, Norah does ask my 3+ times a day "is the baby in your tummy a baby brother or a baby sister?"

For some reason, I have had major anxiety about my appointment. I have been worrying about it for at least the past week. Is something wrong? Is there two babies in there? Is he going to tell me to get an abortion? The only reason why I say that, is he suggested it to my friend that was pregnant with her 4th baby. Call me crazy, but that is INSANE that a doctor would suggest that to someone who wants their baby. Who knew why I worried so much. I was longing to see a healthy baby on the ultrasound. We have always wanted 4 kids and although this pregnancy was a little earlier than expected, we have all fully embraced it and have been really excited.

I really wanted Abe to come with me, but he ended up being in Norway today and not getting home till the evening. I laid down for my ultrasound at the doctors office and immediately I saw a baby up on the screen. He confirmed that the baby was just over 13 weeks old and started showing me the body parts. After my original calmness I felt right when I first saw the baby, I had a sick feeling as I noticed the baby wasn't moving. As soon as I mentioned it to the doctor, he agreed and went to the heart and blood flow. No heart beat. No blood flow. Silence and then a super sick feeling. I laid there silently crying while they went over the baby, placenta and my uterus. The baby must have just died in the past day. I felt so alone and was wishing that Abe were by my side comforting me.

Unfortunately, my doctor wants me to come in to the hospital to be induced, deliver the baby and then have a D&C to get the rest of the placenta and such out. I really don't know if my heart can take it. The baby is old enough that we will know the sex of the baby. I am going to have to go through actually having a baby, a small surgery and then no baby. I am praying for any type of comfort and healing.

I was a mess the entire drive home from my appointment. As soon as my friend opened the door for me when I went to go pick up my kids, Adeline immediately ran outside with her arms up in the air saying, "Baby pictures! Baby pictures!" She got in my car and found a couple pictures the doctor gave me that were in my purse. Let's just break my heart a little more!

Luckily Abe got home within 30 minutes after I got home. I was on the driveway bawling when he pulled in and he said that he knew right away from seeing what a mess I was. We told our girls that the baby died in mommy's tummy and went back to heavenly father. Adeline looked very concerned and told us that she was sad. They kept asking lots of "why" questions. Norah said, "Oh no, but Mommy will have her other baby!" Abe explained to her that was not going to happen anymore, but eventually there will be another baby.

Tonight before bed, Adeline was having a hard time in general and was crying. She came up to me and said, "I want to pray just with you and the baby". In part of Adeline's prayer, she said, "Please bless that next time this won't happen to mommy's baby".

You never think that this is going to happen to you and then it happens. I never thought this would happen to me. I know that there must be a reason and I will find peace with that. Heavenly Father is in control and I know that he knows best.