Blueberry Picking

I love picking fruit with my girls. In Boston, we went Raspberry, Blueberry and Apple picking all the time. I am pretty sure there is only blueberry picking around us. Today was a little bit cooler than it has been the past several weeks. It has been in the 90's, very humid and keep in mind that we don't have A/C. Not very fun when our house doesn't cool down at night. Today ended up being a perfect day to go.

The place is in Koningsbosch, NL and is just around the corner from us. It was crazy busy today and I am pretty sure that I only saw one other kid (besides the 10 little american kids that were with us). They are very particular about everything. You are not allowed to touch the blueberries until they "assign" you to a specific bush. You cannot move on until the entire bush has been picked and then they have to direct you where to go next.


Meika was such a little cutie. She stayed right next to me the entire time and held my bucket for me. Every once in awhile, she would pick a berry, throw it in the bucket and then laugh hysterically. She mostly just picked all the blueberries out of the bucket or off the plant and would eat them. Meika LOVES blueberries.





Norah was mostly in her own little world the entire time. Not very surprising, huh? She is such a stilly girl. She sat and told silly stories with her friend Emma, picked a handful of blueberries and of course joined with Meika in eating them.







Adeline was my super picker and helper. This is definitely her cup of tea. This girl hardly every gets worn out. She loves tasks. I didn't hear one little complaint come from her mouth.







The kids posing after their hard work





Me and my girls



Of course Meika thought she could carry one of the buckets all the way back... no way.



We picked about 5 Kilos and most of them are ginormous. Now to eating them, freezing them and finding some blueberry recipes!

One Week

One week ago today, I went to the Market with my friend Kelsey to get our weekly fruit, vegetables, flowers and some more random yummy food. I always really enjoy going to the Market and soaking up the environment. This morning, I did the same thing. It was really hard for me today though. One week ago from today, I was happily shopping at the Market and even though I was anxious about my appointment that afternoon, I was anticipating it. I was longing to see a healthy baby and know that everything was ok. I feel like everything came crashing down last Thursday. Like Abe says, he left for Norway to be there for only one night and everything had changed when he got back. It is crazy to think about how life changes from one moment to the next. Life is fragile. Of course I run into friends at the Market and that is always emotional. Good, but emotional. I have been quite the hermit for the past week.

I have had pretty bad insomnia for the past week. I find myself taking something to help me sleep better most nights. Last night I couldn't sleep and stayed up till the middle of the night researching on the internet; and we all know where that will take us. Depression. Every since my last D&C after Meika for retained placenta and a fibroid removal, I have been very worried about getting pregnant for some reason. The doctor always just reassured me that I would and it had nothing to do with it. It is hard for me to think that I had 3 healthy pregnancies and babies, then a D&C and then this happened which required an additional D&C. Well, when you do the research on a D&C, you have a very high chance of getting Asherman's Syndrome (scarring of the uterus). That first D&C that would normally take 15 minutes, took a couple HOURS. Since it is a blind surgery (and online it says you shouldn't get fibroids removed via D&C), I just wonder the damage that it did to my uterus. Of course after all my research and thoughts last night, I need to write down all my concerns to speak to the doctor about. Hopefully this was a fluke miscarriage (like a ton of people unfortunately have to go through) and nothing that has to do with my Uterus. I do not want to get pregnant again to have the same outcome. I want them to prove to me that my Uterus is not damaged, however I doubt they will do that unless I have recurrent miscarriages or something else going wrong to prove that there is an underlying problem. I hope that I am wrong, but this is weighing on my shoulders and my heart. Finding answers, good or bad, would be a blessing at this point. When the time comes to get pregnant again, I am just going to have to rely on Heavenly Father and hold my breath!

Now Let Me Be Sad

My darling Aunt Angela gave me this poem about Grief several years to give to an older friend of mine lost her husband. I can't help but keep looking at it and relating...

NOW LET ME BE SAD


Now let me feel sad, impulse, trained in gladness,
do not try to whisk me away from grief
Like a child caught sulking in the corner
Immobilized by imagined hurt.

Instead, let me grow rich with my sadness.
Let it mellow and strengthen my joy,
Take bold hold of my will,
Give tears permission to water the parch of loss.

Let its music ripple my spine.
Let me give ardent ear
To what was, to what will never be.
Grief, be my companion in joy.

In the numberless calls acquainting me with the Night
Bring me to my senses, numberless too
In abandoning numbness and the faint iridescence
Of busyness, crowds brief entertainments.

Like walking into a sea, only in depth can I float.
Depth, too often feared for its power
To raise me footloose and struggling
is all that can gentle me back to shore:

Safe, breathing in the cosmos of the sweet unknown
Full of the Light of having been sad.

by Emma Lou Thayne

Physical pain is over

Be advised that this may not be easy or very fun to read and is pretty raw.

Right now for the most part, my physical pain is over. I am not sure I will ever get over the emotional pain. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. At moments I feel proud of myself for not completely losing it and the next moment I have completely lost it. Last night, I went from watching a movie to a hysterical crying where I felt like it was hard to take a breath. I feel a little guilty that my body feels "normal" and that I don't have any physical scars. Emotionally, I have more scars than I could have ever imagined. I feel heartbroken, guilt, sadness, pain, blame, confusion, anxiety and the list goes on and on. There have been times in my life I have felt like I had a broken heart, but never like this. I can feel my heart ripping into pieces it seems like. All I want is to be pregnant with that baby again. I want to be able to see my tummy continue to grow instead of shrink. I want my breasts to continue to hurt as if I was still pregnant. It is hard for me to want to go out and do anything right now. I don't want to run into people. I don't want to be around very many people.

My labor and miscarriage story...

Friday morning I called my doctor to make a plan of when I should come in. I also wanted to see if there was any way they could just do a D&C and that I wouldn't have to deliver the baby. He told me that he was sorry, but by how big the baby was and over 13 weeks, it had to be delivered first. My options were to either get to the hospital right away, or wait until Monday or Tuesday to start induction. I wasn't sure if I could bear to anticipate having to go through this for 4 more days since Abe would be working on Monday. My friend Kelsey took my kids for me and we headed on over to the hospital.

When we first got there, they did an additional ultrasound to make sure. It was even harder for Abe to see the ultrasound this time since he wasn't there for my appointment. After the ultrasound, they got us a room and she inserted a tablet up by my cervix to induce labor. It was a long, hard, emotional and exhausting day. I hadn't eaten since dinner the night before and decided not to eat that morning in case everything went quickly and they had to do the D&C. You aren't supposed to eat or drink up from 4-6 hours before surgery for the anesthetic. Of course the day drug on. I had contractions and pains, but nothing was really happening. I was so hungry at this time and could hardly stand it. It had been 24 hours since I had anything to eat. The doctor finally told me I could eat whatever I wanted and they would just do a spinal for the D&C. Uh, no. I would rather starve. I have all my kids natural JUST to avoid that stupid needle going into my back. Plus I was worried about my herniated disc. After about another hour he came back and said that I could eat some little toasts that were like crackers and some very plain gross tea and that I could still get the anesthetic. So I got a mini snack. After 6 hours from the start of induction, they had to insert another tablet to continue to induce the labor. The contractions hurt pretty bad, but they were very manageable. After refusing pain meds, the nurse kind of forced them on me through an iv insisting that they may help the labor along. Of course it didn't really help the pain, but shortly after my water broke and I started bleeding. About an hour or so later (10 hours since the start) the doctor checked me and said they baby was going to come soon and that I was dilated to a 2-3cm to get the baby out. It was about 10:00pm and he suggested to go to the bathroom, as it may come out if I did that. They brought over a little wheel chair thingy that has a bucket underneath it like a toilet. Of course when I went to the bathroom, I felt 2 different things come out of me. The baby and the placenta. I couldn't help but quickly peek when I got off the toilet. It looked like a very mini baby. I think it was about 7.5 cm not counting it's legs. It looked bigger than I expected it to. Of course I was really emotional and the nurse had me immediately look away. I can't really describe what I felt at that moment except for emotional pain. They took the baby out of the room for examination while Abe and I comforted each other. The doctor came back in and said there was nothing noticeably wrong with the baby. I asked if he could tell what the baby was. A boy. Oh my heart. I wish I could change all this. I wish so badly I was still pregnant with that baby boy and that he was living. They immediately did an ultrasound to see if everything came out. I was really hoping it did so I didn't have to get a D&C, but I knew the odds were not good. Of course, there were some very small remains.

Right after, the doctor and nurse came to prepare me for surgery. The doctor apologized and said that even though it had been 4.5 hours since I ate those crackers and tea (and that he thought it would be fine anyway), that the anesthesiologist is very conservative and she will not do it. He had her come talk to me. I was a hot mess at this point. I didn't want to make any decisions. She said that she would do the anesthetic if I REALLY wanted to, but she would intubate me and she didn't think it was a good idea and she didn't want to do it. Very unwillingly, I agreed to do the spinal and before I knew it they were wheeling me down to the OR and Abe was left behind in the room. Luckily, since I had my traumatic D&C last year, I was prepared for how traumatizing it is here in Germany. I just laid and cried while they stripped me naked, put me onto the conveyer belt and onto the operating table and then the hustle and bustle of the operating room. They gave me some medicine to make me loopy and then had me sit up to do my spinal. All the doctors were really nice and were rubbing my shoulders and squeezing my hand. I laid back down and they had put a sheet in front of me so I could not see the procedure. I remember telling them that something hurt and that I could still feel it. They said they would wait a moment and then I must have fallen asleep and woke up 10 minutes later after it was done. Oh the relief I felt when I knew that was over. They normally don't do an ultrasound at the same time as the D&C, but to be cautious and to make sure I don't get asperger's syndrome they did it to be exact and get out the small remains of the placenta.

All I wanted was a big meal and a coke. It was midnight and they gave me some dry bread and hot chocolate. Luckily I had a nectarine in my purse and devoured that in a couple of seconds and drank the hot chocolate. I had not slept the last night and couldn't possibly sleep at all laboring because my mind was going crazy. I must have been really tired, because I think I fell asleep partially sitting up with my food. My legs were completely numb for about 4-5 hours, so Abe was able to help me to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I had only slept from about 12:30am-4 and then couldn't really fall back asleep but for very small increments.

The next morning I showered and when I came out they had delivered my breakfast. Dry bread, jam and coffee. Awesome. So glad they asked me what I would eat. That is one really frustrating thing being in a hospital where there is limited communication. Normally, you choose off a menu what you want. However, if there is a nurse that doesn't speak much english, they just guess without asking. Oh well. I took one bite of the bread and then we packed up to leave. All in all, the doctors and nurses were all so very nice. It lasted a little bit longer than I was hoping, but it wasn't too terribly painful physically. Maybe that was partly because I already had so much emotional pain that I didn't care. I did have a highlight to my day: coming home to my 3 beautiful girls. I feel very blessed to have them.

Broken Heart

(written on Thursday July 18th)

Today I have a broken heart. Today I was planning on "officially" announcing my 4th pregnancy. I was going to do that today after I had confirmation of a healthy baby through ultrasound. Before I left my kids at my friends house to go to my appointment, I told the girls that I would bring them home pictures of the baby. After all, Norah does ask my 3+ times a day "is the baby in your tummy a baby brother or a baby sister?"

For some reason, I have had major anxiety about my appointment. I have been worrying about it for at least the past week. Is something wrong? Is there two babies in there? Is he going to tell me to get an abortion? The only reason why I say that, is he suggested it to my friend that was pregnant with her 4th baby. Call me crazy, but that is INSANE that a doctor would suggest that to someone who wants their baby. Who knew why I worried so much. I was longing to see a healthy baby on the ultrasound. We have always wanted 4 kids and although this pregnancy was a little earlier than expected, we have all fully embraced it and have been really excited.

I really wanted Abe to come with me, but he ended up being in Norway today and not getting home till the evening. I laid down for my ultrasound at the doctors office and immediately I saw a baby up on the screen. He confirmed that the baby was just over 13 weeks old and started showing me the body parts. After my original calmness I felt right when I first saw the baby, I had a sick feeling as I noticed the baby wasn't moving. As soon as I mentioned it to the doctor, he agreed and went to the heart and blood flow. No heart beat. No blood flow. Silence and then a super sick feeling. I laid there silently crying while they went over the baby, placenta and my uterus. The baby must have just died in the past day. I felt so alone and was wishing that Abe were by my side comforting me.

Unfortunately, my doctor wants me to come in to the hospital to be induced, deliver the baby and then have a D&C to get the rest of the placenta and such out. I really don't know if my heart can take it. The baby is old enough that we will know the sex of the baby. I am going to have to go through actually having a baby, a small surgery and then no baby. I am praying for any type of comfort and healing.

I was a mess the entire drive home from my appointment. As soon as my friend opened the door for me when I went to go pick up my kids, Adeline immediately ran outside with her arms up in the air saying, "Baby pictures! Baby pictures!" She got in my car and found a couple pictures the doctor gave me that were in my purse. Let's just break my heart a little more!

Luckily Abe got home within 30 minutes after I got home. I was on the driveway bawling when he pulled in and he said that he knew right away from seeing what a mess I was. We told our girls that the baby died in mommy's tummy and went back to heavenly father. Adeline looked very concerned and told us that she was sad. They kept asking lots of "why" questions. Norah said, "Oh no, but Mommy will have her other baby!" Abe explained to her that was not going to happen anymore, but eventually there will be another baby.

Tonight before bed, Adeline was having a hard time in general and was crying. She came up to me and said, "I want to pray just with you and the baby". In part of Adeline's prayer, she said, "Please bless that next time this won't happen to mommy's baby".

You never think that this is going to happen to you and then it happens. I never thought this would happen to me. I know that there must be a reason and I will find peace with that. Heavenly Father is in control and I know that he knows best.

Tori's Visit

In the middle of May, my cousin Tori stayed with us for about 10 days. We were the first stop of her 2 month European adventure. Tori was so much fun to have stay with us. The girls loved having "aunt Tori" around, she didn't have to be entertained all the time, fun conversations and overall good company. After all, she is like another sister to me! I was really bad and didn't take pictures of everything we did, but I think I got the majority of it. This is what I get for getting so behind on my blog. I can't remember everything!

One day we traveled down to Koln. We walked the city, saw the Dom and got some lunch. The girls and I waited at the bottom of the Dom while Tori climbed all the way to the top. I would have loved to have done it with her, but not with two little ones!!



In true German/Dutch fashion, it was gloomy and rainy a lot of the time that Tori visited. That didn't stop us from getting out though. We traveled down to the Burg Eltz Castle in Münstermaifeld, Germany. I had heard a lot of hype about how neat the castle was and have been wanting to pay a visit. The entire drive to the castle, we had amazing views of the rolling hills covered in Yellow Flower fields, which I think are Canola Oil Fields. They are SO pretty and they cover Germany in the Spring and Fall.





The Castle did not disappoint. It was amazing.











The weekend Tori was here, we decided to take off for a girls weekend and Abe watched the kids. We first stopped at Keukenhof. It was at the very end of the season and the park was only going to be open for a couple more days. We knew it was a gamble if everything would still be in bloom or not. Last year Abe and I went to Keukenhof and never went in the actual "park". We just rented bikes and biked through all the tulip and flower fields, which was amazing! I really wanted Tori to experience that, but unfortunately all the fields had been cut within a day or two from when we got there. Bummer. Luckily, almost everything was still in bloom in the park and it was beautiful.























After Keukenhof, we headed down to Brugges, Belgium where we stayed the night. We were welcomed into Brugges by this picturesque windmill.



We stayed in the "Parkhotel", which was right near the heart of town. It was close to everything and great for what we needed, however not the best place for your money... however they are all probably very expensive!



After a good nights rest, we hit the town the next morning. I love Brugges.











Inside the church we found this gem





Good old chocolate store find...



We were starving and decided to eat right in the square. As we sat down, we started admiring the views that we had. Right after I took this picture, we were approached by a rude waiter. We ordered our food and decided not to get a drink because it was 7 or 8 EURO for a water (which is almost $10 for a small water). That is a load of crap, so we thought we would just be thirsty. He told us that we were not allowed to NOT order a drink and refused to take our order unless we ordered one. We decided to take off and get a brat from a small stand on the streets instead.



Our brat ended up being a gross hot dog, so we stopped at the next best place: a Belgian waffle stand. Probably the best waffle I have ever had!











and on our way back to the car, we saw this. All I can say is this town must love boobs?



I had figured that if we left early enough from Brugges and had time on our way home, we could stop somewhere else to explore. After some recommendations from some other military wives and seeing that it was right on our way home, we decided to stop in Gent, Belgium. I really didn't know what to expect. I thought it would just be another average large city. It was a big city, but it was amazing. There were canals all over the place, several fancy cathedrals, castles, shopping, etc. I am so happy that we stopped there!

















We ate dinner right across the street from the Castle



All in all, it was such a fun weekend! Before Tori took off, we had to make a trip to the local ice cream shop (of course!) and went on a little walk.





The girls and "aunt Tori"



And of course Norah was being crazy on her bike going as fast as she could.



The roads aren't exactly flat, so she would get going super fast and then kept falling over and luckily, right into the grass. She looks mad in this picture, but in fact thought it was really funny and didn't care at all.



Thanks Tori for all the fun we had with you!!