Physical pain is over

Be advised that this may not be easy or very fun to read and is pretty raw.

Right now for the most part, my physical pain is over. I am not sure I will ever get over the emotional pain. I feel like I am on a roller coaster. At moments I feel proud of myself for not completely losing it and the next moment I have completely lost it. Last night, I went from watching a movie to a hysterical crying where I felt like it was hard to take a breath. I feel a little guilty that my body feels "normal" and that I don't have any physical scars. Emotionally, I have more scars than I could have ever imagined. I feel heartbroken, guilt, sadness, pain, blame, confusion, anxiety and the list goes on and on. There have been times in my life I have felt like I had a broken heart, but never like this. I can feel my heart ripping into pieces it seems like. All I want is to be pregnant with that baby again. I want to be able to see my tummy continue to grow instead of shrink. I want my breasts to continue to hurt as if I was still pregnant. It is hard for me to want to go out and do anything right now. I don't want to run into people. I don't want to be around very many people.

My labor and miscarriage story...

Friday morning I called my doctor to make a plan of when I should come in. I also wanted to see if there was any way they could just do a D&C and that I wouldn't have to deliver the baby. He told me that he was sorry, but by how big the baby was and over 13 weeks, it had to be delivered first. My options were to either get to the hospital right away, or wait until Monday or Tuesday to start induction. I wasn't sure if I could bear to anticipate having to go through this for 4 more days since Abe would be working on Monday. My friend Kelsey took my kids for me and we headed on over to the hospital.

When we first got there, they did an additional ultrasound to make sure. It was even harder for Abe to see the ultrasound this time since he wasn't there for my appointment. After the ultrasound, they got us a room and she inserted a tablet up by my cervix to induce labor. It was a long, hard, emotional and exhausting day. I hadn't eaten since dinner the night before and decided not to eat that morning in case everything went quickly and they had to do the D&C. You aren't supposed to eat or drink up from 4-6 hours before surgery for the anesthetic. Of course the day drug on. I had contractions and pains, but nothing was really happening. I was so hungry at this time and could hardly stand it. It had been 24 hours since I had anything to eat. The doctor finally told me I could eat whatever I wanted and they would just do a spinal for the D&C. Uh, no. I would rather starve. I have all my kids natural JUST to avoid that stupid needle going into my back. Plus I was worried about my herniated disc. After about another hour he came back and said that I could eat some little toasts that were like crackers and some very plain gross tea and that I could still get the anesthetic. So I got a mini snack. After 6 hours from the start of induction, they had to insert another tablet to continue to induce the labor. The contractions hurt pretty bad, but they were very manageable. After refusing pain meds, the nurse kind of forced them on me through an iv insisting that they may help the labor along. Of course it didn't really help the pain, but shortly after my water broke and I started bleeding. About an hour or so later (10 hours since the start) the doctor checked me and said they baby was going to come soon and that I was dilated to a 2-3cm to get the baby out. It was about 10:00pm and he suggested to go to the bathroom, as it may come out if I did that. They brought over a little wheel chair thingy that has a bucket underneath it like a toilet. Of course when I went to the bathroom, I felt 2 different things come out of me. The baby and the placenta. I couldn't help but quickly peek when I got off the toilet. It looked like a very mini baby. I think it was about 7.5 cm not counting it's legs. It looked bigger than I expected it to. Of course I was really emotional and the nurse had me immediately look away. I can't really describe what I felt at that moment except for emotional pain. They took the baby out of the room for examination while Abe and I comforted each other. The doctor came back in and said there was nothing noticeably wrong with the baby. I asked if he could tell what the baby was. A boy. Oh my heart. I wish I could change all this. I wish so badly I was still pregnant with that baby boy and that he was living. They immediately did an ultrasound to see if everything came out. I was really hoping it did so I didn't have to get a D&C, but I knew the odds were not good. Of course, there were some very small remains.

Right after, the doctor and nurse came to prepare me for surgery. The doctor apologized and said that even though it had been 4.5 hours since I ate those crackers and tea (and that he thought it would be fine anyway), that the anesthesiologist is very conservative and she will not do it. He had her come talk to me. I was a hot mess at this point. I didn't want to make any decisions. She said that she would do the anesthetic if I REALLY wanted to, but she would intubate me and she didn't think it was a good idea and she didn't want to do it. Very unwillingly, I agreed to do the spinal and before I knew it they were wheeling me down to the OR and Abe was left behind in the room. Luckily, since I had my traumatic D&C last year, I was prepared for how traumatizing it is here in Germany. I just laid and cried while they stripped me naked, put me onto the conveyer belt and onto the operating table and then the hustle and bustle of the operating room. They gave me some medicine to make me loopy and then had me sit up to do my spinal. All the doctors were really nice and were rubbing my shoulders and squeezing my hand. I laid back down and they had put a sheet in front of me so I could not see the procedure. I remember telling them that something hurt and that I could still feel it. They said they would wait a moment and then I must have fallen asleep and woke up 10 minutes later after it was done. Oh the relief I felt when I knew that was over. They normally don't do an ultrasound at the same time as the D&C, but to be cautious and to make sure I don't get asperger's syndrome they did it to be exact and get out the small remains of the placenta.

All I wanted was a big meal and a coke. It was midnight and they gave me some dry bread and hot chocolate. Luckily I had a nectarine in my purse and devoured that in a couple of seconds and drank the hot chocolate. I had not slept the last night and couldn't possibly sleep at all laboring because my mind was going crazy. I must have been really tired, because I think I fell asleep partially sitting up with my food. My legs were completely numb for about 4-5 hours, so Abe was able to help me to the bathroom in the middle of the night. I had only slept from about 12:30am-4 and then couldn't really fall back asleep but for very small increments.

The next morning I showered and when I came out they had delivered my breakfast. Dry bread, jam and coffee. Awesome. So glad they asked me what I would eat. That is one really frustrating thing being in a hospital where there is limited communication. Normally, you choose off a menu what you want. However, if there is a nurse that doesn't speak much english, they just guess without asking. Oh well. I took one bite of the bread and then we packed up to leave. All in all, the doctors and nurses were all so very nice. It lasted a little bit longer than I was hoping, but it wasn't too terribly painful physically. Maybe that was partly because I already had so much emotional pain that I didn't care. I did have a highlight to my day: coming home to my 3 beautiful girls. I feel very blessed to have them.