One Week

One week ago today, I went to the Market with my friend Kelsey to get our weekly fruit, vegetables, flowers and some more random yummy food. I always really enjoy going to the Market and soaking up the environment. This morning, I did the same thing. It was really hard for me today though. One week ago from today, I was happily shopping at the Market and even though I was anxious about my appointment that afternoon, I was anticipating it. I was longing to see a healthy baby and know that everything was ok. I feel like everything came crashing down last Thursday. Like Abe says, he left for Norway to be there for only one night and everything had changed when he got back. It is crazy to think about how life changes from one moment to the next. Life is fragile. Of course I run into friends at the Market and that is always emotional. Good, but emotional. I have been quite the hermit for the past week.

I have had pretty bad insomnia for the past week. I find myself taking something to help me sleep better most nights. Last night I couldn't sleep and stayed up till the middle of the night researching on the internet; and we all know where that will take us. Depression. Every since my last D&C after Meika for retained placenta and a fibroid removal, I have been very worried about getting pregnant for some reason. The doctor always just reassured me that I would and it had nothing to do with it. It is hard for me to think that I had 3 healthy pregnancies and babies, then a D&C and then this happened which required an additional D&C. Well, when you do the research on a D&C, you have a very high chance of getting Asherman's Syndrome (scarring of the uterus). That first D&C that would normally take 15 minutes, took a couple HOURS. Since it is a blind surgery (and online it says you shouldn't get fibroids removed via D&C), I just wonder the damage that it did to my uterus. Of course after all my research and thoughts last night, I need to write down all my concerns to speak to the doctor about. Hopefully this was a fluke miscarriage (like a ton of people unfortunately have to go through) and nothing that has to do with my Uterus. I do not want to get pregnant again to have the same outcome. I want them to prove to me that my Uterus is not damaged, however I doubt they will do that unless I have recurrent miscarriages or something else going wrong to prove that there is an underlying problem. I hope that I am wrong, but this is weighing on my shoulders and my heart. Finding answers, good or bad, would be a blessing at this point. When the time comes to get pregnant again, I am just going to have to rely on Heavenly Father and hold my breath!