Baby #4

That's right. We are expecting baby #4 the end of June. We have been "cautiously optimistic", as Abe would say. When I found out I was pregnant, I had a lot of emotions. I was happy, excited, relieved, terrified, worried... and the list goes on. We kept it a secret because we have been so nervous about it. Nervous that we would lose this baby too. I was worried that if my kids knew and something devastating happened again, they would be crushed. I can't handle that! After I had a ultrasound at almost 16 weeks, we decided that world and our cute little girls could know.





Every appointment that I have been to has been a little bit of a roller coaster for me. I worry that I am going to see the baby on the screen and there will be no heart beat. So far, all is well. My last appointment, I asked my doctor to please show me the heart first. Before I even had time to finish, I could see the baby moving all over the place. What a great feeling. Those first 16 weeks were hard emotionally, but I was able to keep it together and wasn't SUPER anxious. I am not quite sure what happened, but that is not the case anymore. I am more anxious than I ever could have imagined. Every day for the past several days I have cried a lot. I have almost a panic/anxiety type of attack and feel like it's hopeless that this baby is going to make it. I get excited about this new baby (I'm super excited), but at times I feel like I am trying to hold myself back to protect myself from being completely hurt. I think the reason why I am having such a hard time is that this baby has survived 4 weeks longer than the last. I can't even imagine the pain I would have to endure if something happened at this point. I keep telling Abe that if I had my miscarriage before I had any kids, I probably would have had 1 kid. This is rough. I'm truly grateful that I don't want any more than 4 kids. My heart couldn't handle it!

I keep telling myself that I need to relax and not worry so much. Really, there is nothing I can do about it. It is completely out of my hands. My heart is already so invested in this final addition to our family and I am praying that there will be a great outcome. Our girls are so very excited and Norah asks me every day, "When is the baby going to get here!". Good thing we waited several months to tell them! If you ask them if they want a boy or a girl, they both say boy (but they will be happy with either!). Norah says, "I want a brother, because we already have a baby sister!" I love my girls so much.